Every once in a great while we open our mail bag at The Flute Squad House and check out what you guys have been sending us.  After sifting through the death threats, pizza flyers, and hate mail there actually happens to be a good bit of mail leftover just asking for our advice.

So we’ll leave it to our centaur leader, Horsepower, to tell you what’s good for you! If you have any questions for Horsepower or just need a little guidance, please send to nikc@theflutesquad.com

Dear Horsepower, Why come God hates you? -Confused in Tulsa,OK

God and I have a “love-hate” relationship: God hates me, because I love pissing him off.  I don’t really want to go into too many details about how it all started (he’s a sensitive guy, and plus there’s a legal restraint on what I can say in public), but it has a little something to do with Grace Jones and maybe 17 bottles of Rumple Minze, one magical night back in 1972.  Not a pretty sight (well, not pretty except for Grace Jones).

Dear Horsepower, Did your mother survive the child birth?  -Concerned in Houston, PA

Dude, have you ever seen my mother’s vagina?  If not, then trust me: no problem with fitting the horse head through there.

In all seriousness, I was one of those “water babies.”  They played soothing piano music in the background, had low lights, and right when Mum pushed me out they plopped me in a bath of warm water.  I was a smiling baby almost the same instant I came into the world.

How do you expect someone as voluptuous and svelte as your ripe, young daughter to eat less AND exercise at the same time?  Don’t you know that it takes a lot of energy to exercise?  To move that large, round, supple body of hers around and about?  I can just envision her now, that vivacious tulip petal of a young woman, perspiration gleaming on her smooth skin, hovering over a plate of Horsepower’s special home made brownies.  She’d be willing to do anything–and I mean ANYTHING–if it meant I’d give her one more taste of Horsepower’s special flavour.  And oh yes, I would give it to her.  You betcha.

Think she needs encouragement?  Have her e-mail me at horsepower@theflutesquad.com so she and I can arrange for a special one on one training session at my place.  Don’t wait up for us.  Have a listen to You’re Too Skinny while you’re at it.

Sorry, we’re not accepting applications for a drummer at this time.  Like many intelligent women who know better, we’ve decided to go for the automatic version of rhythmic stimulation (in our case: Drumbot 200X).  Much more reliable, and doesn’t need much personal attention.  But we know how to reach you if we ever consider holding open auditions.  Thanks for your interest!